It has been atleast six months that i have been officially single, unofficially fo how long even i dont know. Things happen for good or bad, it is just the perspective. Then life moves on. It was not something that was particularly desirable fo me, but in the hindsight it appears that may be for the other person it was a good decision. My decision was really immaterial for the relationship, it was more so for my own personal and professional growth.
Now time has passed and singledom is apparently boring, especially on saturdays. I know my limitations, that even if i had a girl, i maynot have given her time. All the experienced lovers in the group do agree that a relationship needs time. And time is luxury i just donot posses. With this decision to follow your heart, you get committed to your dream and that takes whole of your time. Remaining is to be prioritized, to be with parents, to be with friends, some occasional social dos and obligations. Where do i fit in a woman. But all said and done female company is what i crave for.. honestly i am desperate right now..
But sexual liberation is only a part, it would be highly unscrupulous on my part to admit otherwise. Nonetheless sexual liberation is still a part, maybe as sareen puts it 'i need to have an even greater emotional liberation', sounds cliched..but yeah it is very much true.
I am not exactly clear as to which emotions need a vent, may be the grief for messing up my previous affair, may be the desire to be heard raw about the my burinng ambition, may be self-contempt of not doing much for my parents, may be the angst against the system for not really doing much for us, what so ever... but it would be really ideal if an evening is spent, may be a few moments with an amazing woman with whom i can share all the feelings, and spare you guys the agony, ahahahh.
This thought does stir things up and so i place bets with people, so that i get close to one goodlooking woman. But alas, she apparently is not what i am looking for. Rest girls in IIT D range from being bimbettes wannabe style icons to sympathy arousing simpletons. One or two sexpots stand out but then thats what they are, sexpots. And something holds me back. I still wonder where that boldness in me vanishes, with which i am pushing my dreams of starting a business.
Seriously so much of a contrast is here... at one extreme i am pushing myself to the limits, physically and mentally to realize my dream while on the other extreme i am enveloping myself in a cocoon. The search should be on, but then again i havent found my answers from the past. This singledom has given me freedom but with its freedom have come its own laws.
May be i need to come to terms with the fact that this inner struggle will end with the realization of my dream. I have issues living alone, may be my makeup is not so. And all this crap talk about becoming a tycoon is all a design to be sought after rather than being the seeker of female companionship. May be hogging the limelight is somewhere in my persona, so it happens that in the vicinity of a woman i act awkwardly as if i am the one she should crave for than otherwise.. and that is precisely my undoing. Why i just cannot be a seeker.. may be my ego, no this is not ego, thats arrogance which holds me back...
So again this boils to down to the classic dichotomy of my nature.. arrogance versus ego and i know this struggle will go on... it has spoilt my past.. it is ruining my present.. should not my future!!!.
So there i am.. officially i am single for six months, unofficially i donot have an answer..somebody should tell!!
